I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
