i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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