the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
