And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
