So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
