3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
