You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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