she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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