its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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