life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
