I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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