just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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