Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
