The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
