i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Randomize