the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
People in love make me want to vomit
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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