Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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