I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
