i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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