I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
