Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
