His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
