How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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