I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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