Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
