guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
