every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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