I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Randomize