Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
