They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
