Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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