His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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