I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
