The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
