the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
