So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
