you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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