First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize