I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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