3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
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