Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Dicks are not precious.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
