god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
