Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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