I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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