she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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