i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
