You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Watching her eat just hurts me
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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