A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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