Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Randomize
