$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize