last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
