addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
