I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
