3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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