She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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