so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize