Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
