we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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